After Your Spouse Dies, How Do You Handle the Loneliness?

After Your Spouse Dies, How Do You Handle the Loneliness?

One of the toughest changes to navigate in life is the death of a spouse. It is usually not one that is planned for, welcomed, or many times even anticipated. It makes its appearance either suddenly or gradually, steals our loved one from us, then disappears leaving us to deal with the realities of grieving, loneliness, memories, making decisions alone and all the other adjustments that come as a result of living life without our partner. As someone once said, a married person is “only one heartbeat away from singleness.”


One of the frequent and sometimes ongoing emotions a person who has lost his/her spouse will feel and must learn to adjust to is loneliness. It is a common reality, yet a difficult thing to accept. Martha Felber, in her book, Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies, reports that friends would ask her, “What hurts the most?” She said her answer was always the same, “Loneliness for my loved one.” Death leaves a hole that no one else can fill. You feel cut off and abandoned from your loved one. Loneliness, though it can be extremely difficult, is not all bad.

Several things can be learned from loneliness:

* It is normal to feel lonely
* I will not die of loneliness (although it may feel like it sometimes)
* Substitutions will not dissolve my loneliness
* I will grow through the experience
* I will eventually adjust to life as a newly single person

Here are some suggestions to help deal with the reality of loneliness. They are not meant to be the total answer, rather, are offered as a source of practical recommendations to manage the lonely feelings and help turn the results of those feelings into positive, constructive personal outcomes.

1) ACCEPT YOUR LONELINESS-Most of the time we want to run from feelings that are difficult. The challenge is to understand and accept that loneliness will teach us more about who we are and who we are becoming. We can learn from this uncomfortable invader.

2) RUN TO GOD-HE UNDERSTANDS LONELINESS-It is helpful to know that God the Father and Jesus the Son both experienced loneliness when they were apart for thirty-three years while Jesus was on the earth! Talk to Him and learn to listen for His comforting voice in scripture, music, preaching, the care of a friend etc.

3) LOOK FOR AND SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS-It is ok to admit that we need friends, especially during times of loneliness. Be open and honest with them about the difficulty. One of God’s most prized gifts to us is a good friend!

4) RECALL THE GOOD TIMES-Intentionally remember, even make a list of the pleasant memories you shared with your spouse. What first attracted you to each other? What qualities did you discover later? What was your favorite time of the day...favorite foods, places to go, etc? Consider family times, vacations, holidays, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, special occasions etc. Yes, these can be difficult memories; however, the joy from these may also bring personal comfort and fulfillment.

5) EXPLORE YOUR INTERESTS-Make time to explore the things that excite and interest you. What do you like to do? What do you like to watch? What would you like to learn about? Who could you do these things with?

6) FIND A PLACE TO BELONG-If you are not in a healthy church that accepts, affirms and genuinely cares for people, begin looking for one that will do this, as well as teach you the principles of God’s Word that will enrich your life and spirit. Some churches have support groups that may prove to be beneficial.

7) EXERCISE-Regular exercise may help you feel better about yourself and your situation. Exercise usually raises one’s self esteem.

8) SET SOME GOALS-Determine objectives for yourself that will improve your life! What books would you like to read? Where would you like to visit? What things would you like to do with friends? What abilities would you like to strengthen? What things would you like to buy? (Consider the areas of physical, financial, mental, social and spiritual)

9) KEEP A JOURNAL OF YOUR THOUGHTS-Writing your thoughts on a regular basis can prove to be a comfort when looking back upon them later, especially when considering the positive ones you experienced and the lessons learned. “A journal is not only a record of events that touch and transform us; it is a private space in which we can meet ourselves in relation to others and God.” (1)

10) TRUST YOUR LOVED ONE TO GOD’S KEEPING-God knows your loved one! He is acquainted with his/her life. An excellent quote says it well. “If the compassionate power of God could bring about the existence of the world in the beginning, and if the living God…is unshakably faithful, then that same compassionate power can be trusted not to let persons perish into oblivion but to engage in an act of new creation at the end. In this perspective, faith in the creating God gives rise to the conviction that the Creator Spirit keeps faith with the beloved creature even in death.” (2)
(1) Susan A. Muto, from Pathways of Spiritual Living in A Decembered Grief, Smith, Harold Ivan. (1999). Kansas City, KS: Beacon Hill Press, 62.

(2)  Smith, Harold Ivan and Jeffers, Steven L. (2001). A B C’s of Healthy Grieving: Light for a Dark Journey. Shawnee
Mission, KS: Shawnee Mission Medical Foundation, 63.

Smoke, Jim. (1982). Suddenly Single. Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Co.

Dennis Franck

As founder of Franck Insights, Dennis brings over three decades of experience with young adults, single adults, single - parent families and ministry/leadership development. He served 21 years as a single’s pastor, and 14 years as director of Single Adult Ministries for the Assemblies of God National Leadership and Resource Center in Springfield, MO. Dennis’s work included the development of Young Adult, Single Adult, and Single - Parent - Family Ministries on the district, regional, and national level. His passion for equipping leaders for these ministries quickly became evident, as leaders from many church backgrounds consulted him on leadership and ministry issues.

His book, Reaching Single Adults – An Essential Guide for Ministry (Baker Publishing), has been used by churches and leaders of many faith backgrounds. He also has two chapters in Baker Single Adult Ministry HandbookSingle to Single, and Counseling Single Adults. Global University published his course, Introduction to Single Adult Ministry, in 2012.

As a consultant/coach to denominations, leaders, ministries and churches, Dennis speaks for conferences, retreats and ministry - training events of various backgrounds nationally and internationally, and writes articles on single adult and leadership issues for publications and websites.

He and his wife, Jill, live in Springfield, MO and have two grown children, Tim and Jessica, and four grandchildren.

The purpose of Assemblies of God Single Adult Ministries is to help districts, churches, pastors and leaders build spiritually-strong single and single-again adults of all ages.

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